kaalomai laura kirdani
 
poetry Most of my poetry was written in the throws of adolescent angst and young adulthood between the years of 1987 and 1994. Writing not only helped me to process and express my deep feelings but also helped me to see and understand myself and the nature of life and love more clearly and wisely. Throughout the years I have learned to love life and find wholeness within myself by following my own truth and passion. I still use writing and art to help me process my thoughts and emotions and actualize my dreams. untitled my head is reeling i am forever in the clouds of bliss focus averted to truth mainlining perception anointed with breath and air my thoughts centrifuge centrifugally forced sieved and then rejoined turning through these blocks curving my vision seeking out new colors finding connections and connections and connections disconnection is an illusion a misperception while disorientation is god the universe illumination freedom bliss truth love untitled something about the way your eyes were twinkling made me think the world wanted to stop spinning just for me untitled Breakfast laughter muffled by a cornflake crunch. I came in with this frequency honed colors and dust flying on a sand stormy night and it flushes when i touch it and it feels like china with jagged corners harlet squeal as you turn off the bedlamp and lick me behind the ears i am listening to your colors rustle beneath the sheets shift against my bones your colors feel like bread crumbling over a water stream trickling beneath me sprinkling over me i watch your colors shift as you snore softly next to me mumbling about incoherent trouble coming at you from your dream i smell your babbling breath and relax into the indifferent chaos of another day's ease into sunlight pea undue americana silenced me when i sought this fluttering pragmatism i went to the edge of the flat wasteland and hummed, hands in pockets, waiting and watching the sun set and then rise up again and turned around to a new world of rich foliage and essence of bliss wafting bliss trembling exquisite i did a silly little nervous dance bending knees and straightening them super funny landscaping me better tread and shiver, coupling and spreading myself thin over another leaf of your eyelids she went on without me and her wake dissolved into me the gentle tingling of her shimmering through me she said no and stop and wait and went supernova instantly and i began to float over all this massive enigma of solid shapes alighting away detaching from the material magnetism opening upwards beyond and through unwalling, fleeting, shushing them the brethren pulsed and wavered and opened and enfolded me becoming everything wholly hoople maneuvers I came here again my darling to kiss you sweet lips and I came here again to be near you and say, well I love you in the morning well I love you in the morning and I nestle into the morning I single myself so serious I hate all this timeless contraption Take it apart. I found love in a teapot where it boiled I wrestled - lid down until fishy fished it out thumping with your love flesh turning under the pressure of your muscles he looked warm and soft and I fell in love with him again. I came back to fall in love to find my body wading knee deep in the dark stuff digging deeper still to get at it. I came to lose myself down to find myself different who was I supposed to be when I was doing that strange thing and those hoople maneuvers. scene I remember to remember dreaming of this, you doing that. Start over what I'm thinking about is thinking space. But I'm going beyond something. I have to go back and begin to explain. vestments These faces come and go embedding themselves under my fingernails like fertile soil after gardening. Each truth, situation leaving me utterly. All fast and negligent and immaculately well meaning and gone. All the desire that had manifested before their appearance as a story unfolding projected upon their faces as they speak the words I will remember differently. The next time I see them the mythology has fallen away like glittering emeralds and topaz, aquamarine details dissolve leaving them blank and plain without the rich adornments of my projected desires. I can still recall the stories I told myself after they would leave or before their arrival waiting and dreaming and shaping the vestments for them to step into upon our next meeting. desire Desire is a negligent element that is a pilot light to the mainline fires that are unreachable. Sexual desire without an object of desire without an excuse without regret or path or hope to flame and pain and no last mistakes or wasted time. A Question Why are you picking me like a toothpick hard and soft sucking me through with a flick of your tongue and a disgusting look on your face? Starter Kit You made me feel like a starter kit You used me to get the ball rolling And then the spark caught fire And I was put out Now your train is all steamed up But what you want from me is putting scabs on your knees. So I’ve unplugged myself from you And now you can’t hold water. a kind of abdication She coughed. He thought, I know that cough it is only a disguise to red herring me away from something more evident beneath the hacking. I know that cough. But why does she insist on retelling it as if it were some sort of current event or special announcement? She knows I'm a season subscriber. So why does she persist with this pathetic display, plagiarizing herself nightly just before the point of incision? I could win a lot of money on her if only she were a horse. untitled I can't hold this tempting intoxication inside this indifferent lustful changing need and all the people that stand around and forget standing around and forgetting until they just fall over like giving up or giving in. glimpse gone with you crushed in on myself you trample through me every unexpected glimpse tears through leaving me breathless and wanting this last time the rush was like fire another angel's gentle blush his tender scent moaning for me closer a fierce desperate energy tendraling through me unaware silent honey whispers soft aching anonymity all your secrets dancing because all I can do is want all I can do is wait for you to gently whisper by me again by wondrous chance fox smile and glinting gaze sing song sweet talk playing me and I am wanting because you're teasing distance is screaming me closer eyes eyes eyes (I've got it bad.) "You'll have to make it up to me." . . . because we don't exist without each other. This crown of eyes eyes eyes above me. I don't know if I want to exist again. firetiger if i could just hold you like a firetiger all in and out through this night with my blinding flashes resounding and forcing you down onto my deft heart swaying your blessed following if i could just take your backward hand under me forcing us out pretending followers oh how i miss your tiny nothing while i sit here patiently waiting for you to come round again darling charm forcing you like vast circumference and kneeling to look under that door jam and fluttering impressive chattering twitter break away from me you're just laughing it off somewhere having it out with a good, healthy, toss of the wicker and i am wishing it all away it grows funny while i wait saddens me while i wonder just happy to please this tiny tiny beat just okay towards the suckling and i hear you claiming goodbye in painful drawn out tones of ecstasy Flushtreason Frustration is a fuzzy bear he walks around here weepin into a bottle of gin and sad sacks his ass on my porchstep And I listen to his birds singing, their songs want to bleed but just flap, flap flap, pitiful flap. bliss affinity My hapless little self drifting along the sharp pavement floor favorite shows on the TV every night scraping you out felt like I'd never finish. Stale bliss flowers into fear. If I saw you If I trembled and sank and smiled and cried and started to think again. Disastrous to think of you. untitled so i have this little problem i have this desire i have this deep, pulsating, need and i don't know how to go about this how to make this all go away make it stop creeping and nagging at me like a suckling pup to let me sleep and concentrate and work how can i get this out of my hair this yummy dream this luscious tickling everything is about it now i can't stop it from happening everything i do is in hopes of running into it, a taste or a full, satisfying, tug. it embarrasses me sometimes without my consent as if it were someone else in me doing what i'm doing because it sure isn't me although i long for it i try to get ahold of myself walk as if it weren't as bad as all that when in truth i just want to break down for it, plead even it's cruel torture this need but what's to be done what's a self respecting person to do about it when that depth of hollow opens itself up wide for it waiting as if it were a given and when it doesn't come i can feel myself reaching for it stretching my full length to get at it pitifully leaning, despite myself, into each passing warmth sometimes even flailing at it wildly grasping at air and moaning it out and whining might as well try to writhe out this pain sweat it out like a virus because i can't take this scene again the giggling blushes and the terrible teases might as well accept it as a loss and feel thankful for it the next time it comes easy like a magic present from heaven ecstatic relief trickling down my throat effortlessly everytime everytime he comes round again touches me all in a warm ball inside me finally sometimes I walk around and think that I must be careful because everytime he moves inside me trips me up turns away from me when I say hello everyime I touch him it's been such a long time excruciating everytime he kisses me with his heart beating softly beneath his sweet lips tenderly breaking my heart I'm getting used to it expecting less never surprised when I haven't talked to him when he stops trying when I feel his discomfort beneath my touch shudder fall everytime I find him he runs away everytime he runs away my heart breaks again all to pieces and no one seems to understand it when I tell them about him they say: Brace yourself don't give it away. how can I make them understand how long it's been since I touched him and how it hurts to be alone and miss him how I said No because of everytime I said No No No but my lips hadn't been touched in such a long time with such excruciating tenderness so that there was nothing I could say so that it hurt to speak at all the ache choking me dry of words nauseous from this intensity overwhelmed in his arms deep inside of his arms where I want to be breaking my heart untitled even though it's riddled with holes and dulled. it doesn't matter all that hurt just a kiss from his mouth his lips, that pain will never be enough to stop me feeling, from wanting to feel his mouth his lips after having felt this, something like and eternity, his whole warmth filling my arms and blanketing me just a kiss from his mouth his lips that pain will never be enough to stop me feeling, from wanting to feel his mouth his lips crown of hate As you stay away you blank old man in dots big round dots all about your shirt collar and cuffs. And then you are here and the day stretches a street for my fate or on a steam engine full with speed passing or stopping to leave people behind or bring them together. You've got a lot of friends trying to pronounce their heart's desires, smiling a lot, maybe bending over backwards to show you they are sincere. You stop to rest, sitting down on a rock and catching your breath, and your hat falls from your head. With soundless concentration you bend to retrieve it and you smell the day accumulating into a great fat crown of hate. Just a ripple of love and a twinkle of ripe cherries coming together with the wind's push. untitled The dregs of frustrated intention giving my stomach and mind something to deal with, chewing on itself by the minutes, and then time constraints add some spice to this dull mixture as if I was engaging in serious aerobic movement. In strained progression the bits that clung fall away. This is refreshing and also a bit problematic, like a scab falling off or a sunburn peel the new skin is faintly raw and vulnerable in its purified state. Healing can be quite eye opening, exposing truths all along the way that hadn't been brought to issue yet. The reality of this life I'm in and what that will mean, the culmination of my choices and their affects. untitled A bad situation made worse by a situation which just keeps on culminating. forgetting is the greatest thing I feel as though all of that thing was a terrible injustice, all of it mean and negligent, each stroke of your paw flapping lip ejaculation just cum. didn't think I deserved to feel this indifference this split this forgetful rage. It no longer says that I love you. All the excess of shit that was glued all along the insides of every single word and action every step I took to get you off me clean you out scrape out the sores and the mess. When I thought that I was strong. When I thought that I was a saint. When I was positive that I knew something about it my sad little vigils jealous hell nights with beer and death and smoking and anything to try to be a movie to try to be a poem. It wasn't to make the pain go away but to force it to climax and resolve fairy tale horror I stopped caring about the happy ending. I was whipping at the horses speeding them straight into a wall hurrying the impact. But hell is eternal, repetition, cycles of regret always an inch out of reach always a fraction of a moment from heaven. forget me not Maybe forgetting isn't the greatest thing all that love that came from heaven like sweet relief upon your tired lonely heart half broken from neglect his touches, his words, his expressions and your heart the way it burst the way you cried beneath him because you couldn't believe these feelings. You gave it no name you held your thoughts and words back desperately until they came desperately and you were throwing yourself upon it over and over like a meditation of conjuring. And everytime you see him he looks right through you as if you weren't there straight on through you as if there were nothing to see noone to behold with a delicate ghost wind whispering underneath his gaze absolutely vague sprinkling here and there carelessly daring you to remember begging you to forget. It takes so long to come back to it after having forgotten what it was like to touch him after so long without someone to touch. when you would cry all the time because it was so unfair that it seemed to be everywhere dripping down from the trees on every porch step in every car and all over the TV but you were so alone. And you swore that if this happened one kiss, one look one time you would give up something for it just this once filling your arms. So now you're left dried up and tired from pumping out the sorrow in long strenuous strokes because when he left you he didn't look back he shattered your dreams with the spiked fist of his heart and killed you. God you lay shredded and beaten down hard. Looking back there is only a faint memory of the pain vague and pathetic a slow dulling came afterwards rounding off the sharp points filing them down so that their intensified edges wouldn't poke anymore holes in this dull serene. It echoes through you and softens all the understanding so that the events became blurred Such is this dull hum this pet comfort within you now cozied up inside like a womb all safe and secure in this body home where nothing is certain. But slowly, you begin to remember something you're not sure what you remember a yearning a yearning for something. It makes you wonder every now and again about what happened back then to make you feel this and what else you had lost along the way having desperately dumped it overboard cut the line to set yourself adrift again Maybe you cleared out all the clues that would answer these demons now the construction of precious details that make up the where when and how that would base all that in reality maybe you had to snip them off those tiny beautiful memories to bear it and go on. You remember so little that it seems as though you must have made the rest up. all the rest that came before to have made you come to this point of forgetting, as if you had never loved him. There is a demon to this sort of forgetting a frustrating uncertainty what was that story was it love found and lost or just something you wished for that never quite got within your grasp No love that finally came after so long in wait all alone and falling to pieces with the tired. no tender lips gently pressed against yours no sweetness unsurpassed and unexpected no gently relief no cruel trickery or cold heartedness such a sad and lonesome earth such a sorrowful exclusion who made a promise and fled who stole you away upon a whispered bliss heartless demon uncertainty makes you think you just kept lying to yourself like a deliberate hole in a diaphragm all along at every turn of events setting traps not one thing true did you invent this story his feeling beneath his eyelashes his deep longing sweetness the revelation flakes Just because you walked in here and told me something that I was ready to hear, played me up into a semi frenzy and held me there with your mouth as you moved in rooting out that little gem of my indecision and then walking away and laughing with your hands thrust firmly into your pockets to hide the stuff that you just snagged when I was busy pushing myself in and out of you and cleverly winking behind your back thinking things were clearly in the bag now clearly one on one and token. This past destruction overlapping each other plainly with stupid little gestures that we don't even pretend to mean. I am begging you to stop. You are halving around muttering blankly and lying and placating and not even trying to say that anything will come back this way anytime soon. Big happiness and that song again it becomes annoying and then one day without warning we just have to hear it over and over until we are sure that we will never be able to get it sunk deep enough within to make it matter. I try to make this song matter and turn up for me like a wish on a die each tossing back again head over, heels dug deep. All this ridiculous waiting for nothing. Waiting for something that I didn't even want before that last dumb night that I made happen with my own misdirected magical dusts. Boys men children playing together and taunting, this bastard gone bad again, fool for this and your noggin full of definite things, what were you thinking? what could you all have been thinking when you took my head in your grasp and faced me head up your eyes under a microscopic detail destructing device seeking out to destroy me in my decision. MAKE THE DECISION you begged me. You all sat up before me and screamed it. So I jumped into it, went with all I could and you bailed last minute idiosyncratic bleck. No more of this I say. So I tiptoe by you next time I whisper and barely look at you and hold back every breath and every miniscule desire no matter how unnecessary or pointless and I don't ask and I don't try slowing to nothing and then finally seeming to be moving backwards in this bottled mask whispering into my own head until it becomes screaming throbbing inside so that nothing will come out and grab at anything to keep me free free of all this upheaval that starts in spite of my flat defeat, my aversion to it pouncing upon me with details invisible to naked effort craziness leaping out as I try to stop up the leaks little screams escaping from here and there, slow seeping desperation a warrior attempt to hold me back and I can't change it now. As if it all were up to me and you were not even there anymore. The point where I began to project this onto you and you became something other than yourself something more than yourself and a part of me stuck to you that I have to get back so that I can go back to my indecision and my self absorbed peace. Rounding the corner blind to the trappings holding me while my eyes were closed and your hands covered places that I didn't even want to believe that you had ever noticed. A stasis hovering where a nothing comes over me, perhaps it came over us both and you just handled it better. And in this misty nowhere this stopped existence I am thrilled and distracted and the pieces fly off like detaching scales iridescent scales fluttering between and covering the skin of this touch in your damp hair caught now, I notice that particular glint in your eye and that new glow in your skin it becomes you it attracts me and pleases me I find it irresistible. All of a sudden irresistible and necessary to get back to it to visit the pieces of me that I have left all over you through the scaling of my flesh and presence in the smallest intentions the most unsuspecting and innocent of touches that saliva with the bitter taste that made me think of other things and then, of you. These footsteps towards you making me move without warning vulnerable in my ignorant gate. I was full of myself and loving it until then full of pride and self love and arrogance immense and grand and magnificent to behold I worshipped myself as my own perfect goddess and I was sure that you were doing the same perhaps you were blinded by the intense glow of my ego attracted and repulsed by it you issued the challenge daring me to come over to your side and touch you. and the I did and you shut up shut it all up drew it all back inside stop action reversal and the smoke flows back inside you with a magical rush without missing a single wisp and you're gone. And I am standing here blinking after the lights have been flicked back on all the lights blaring and me blinking myself awake to where I am now to look at myself all my body, all of a sudden, there again except for those imperceptible pieces those tiny bits that you have taken on now. And I am not as steady or tall, my glow is faded my speech deadened from a biting wit to a feeble attempt to utter an interesting word all of a sudden I am making an effort and you are taller and seem to be just that much smarter imperceptibly prettier and I want you, for the first time I am desirous. The soul is here for its own joy. -Rumi