kaalomai laura kirdani
 
poetry

Most of my poetry was written in the throws of adolescent angst and young adulthood between the years of 1987 and 1994. Writing not only helped me to process and express my deep feelings but also helped me to see and understand myself and the nature of life and love more clearly and wisely. Throughout the years I have learned to love life and find wholeness within myself by following my own truth and passion. I still use writing and art to help me process my thoughts and emotions and actualize my dreams.






untitled

my head is reeling
i am forever in the clouds of bliss
focus averted to truth
mainlining perception
anointed with breath and air
my thoughts centrifuge
centrifugally forced
sieved
and then rejoined
turning through these blocks
curving my vision
seeking out new colors
finding connections and connections and connections
disconnection is an illusion
a misperception
while disorientation is god
the universe
illumination
freedom
bliss
truth
love






untitled

something
about the way your eyes
were twinkling

made me think
the world wanted to stop spinning
just for me






untitled

Breakfast laughter muffled by a cornflake crunch.
I came in with this frequency honed






colors

and dust flying on a sand stormy night
and it flushes when i touch it
and it feels like china
with jagged corners
harlet squeal
as you turn off the bedlamp
and lick me behind the ears
i am listening to your colors
rustle beneath the sheets
shift against my bones
your colors feel like bread crumbling 
over a water stream trickling beneath me 
sprinkling over me
i watch your colors shift
as you snore softly next to me
mumbling about incoherent trouble
coming at you from your dream
i smell your babbling breath
and relax into the indifferent chaos of 
another day's ease into sunlight






pea

undue americana silenced me when i sought this fluttering pragmatism
i went to the edge of the flat wasteland and hummed, hands in pockets, waiting
and watching the sun set and then rise up again
and turned around to a new world of rich foliage
and essence of bliss
wafting bliss
trembling exquisite
i did a silly little nervous dance
bending knees and straightening them
super funny landscaping me

better tread and shiver, coupling and spreading myself thin over another leaf of your eyelids
she went on without me and her wake dissolved into me
the gentle tingling of her shimmering through me
she said no and stop and wait
and went supernova instantly
and i began to float over all this massive enigma of solid shapes
alighting away
detaching from the material magnetism
opening upwards beyond and through
unwalling, fleeting, shushing them

the brethren pulsed and wavered and opened and enfolded me
becoming everything wholly






hoople maneuvers

I came here again my darling to kiss you sweet lips
and I came here again to be near you and say, well
I love you in the morning 
well I love you in the morning 
and I nestle into the morning

I single myself so serious
I hate all this timeless contraption
Take it apart.
I found love in a teapot where it boiled 
I wrestled - lid down
until fishy fished it out thumping with your love flesh
turning under the pressure of your muscles
he looked warm and soft and I fell in love with him again.

I came back to fall in love
to find my body
wading knee deep in the dark stuff
digging deeper still to get at it.
I came to lose myself down
to find myself different
who was I 
supposed to be
when I was doing that strange thing
and those hoople maneuvers.






scene
I remember to remember
dreaming of this, you doing that.
Start over
what I'm thinking about is thinking space.
But I'm going beyond something.
I have to go back and begin to explain.






vestments

These  faces come and go
embedding themselves under my fingernails
like fertile soil after gardening.
Each truth, situation
leaving me utterly.
All fast and negligent and immaculately well meaning 
and gone.
All the desire that had manifested before their appearance
as a story unfolding
projected upon their faces as they speak the words 
I will remember differently.
The next time I see them the mythology has fallen away
like glittering emeralds and topaz,
aquamarine details dissolve 
leaving them blank and plain
without the rich adornments of my projected desires.
I can still recall the stories I told myself
after they would leave or before their arrival
waiting and dreaming and shaping the vestments
for them to step into
upon our next meeting.






desire

Desire is a negligent element 
that is a pilot light
to the mainline fires
that are unreachable.

Sexual desire without an object of desire
without an excuse
without regret or path
or hope to flame and pain
and no last mistakes 
or wasted time.






A Question

Why are you picking me
like a toothpick hard and soft
sucking me through with a flick of your tongue
and a disgusting look on your face?






Starter Kit

You made me feel like a starter kit
You used me to get the ball rolling
And then the spark caught fire
And I was put out
Now your train is all steamed up
But what you want from me is putting scabs on your knees.
So I’ve unplugged myself from you
And now you can’t hold water.






a kind of abdication

She coughed. He thought, I know that cough it is only a disguise to red herring me away from something more evident beneath the hacking. I know that cough. But why does she insist on retelling it as if it were some sort of current event or special announcement? She knows I'm a season subscriber. So why does she persist with this pathetic display, plagiarizing herself nightly just before the point of incision? I could win a lot of money on her if only she were a horse.






untitled

I can't hold this tempting intoxication inside 
this indifferent lustful changing need
and all the people
that stand around and forget
standing around and forgetting 
until they just fall over 
like giving up
or giving in.






glimpse

gone with you
crushed in on myself
you trample through me
every unexpected glimpse
tears through 
leaving me breathless
and wanting

this last time
the rush
was like fire

another angel's gentle blush
his tender scent moaning for me closer
a fierce desperate energy tendraling through me
unaware silent honey whispers
soft aching anonymity
all your secrets dancing

because all I can do is want
all I can do is wait
for you to gently whisper by me again
by wondrous chance
fox smile and glinting gaze
sing song sweet talk
playing me
and I am wanting

because you're teasing distance
is screaming me closer






eyes eyes eyes

(I've got it bad.)
"You'll have to make it up to me."
. . . because we don't exist without each other.
This crown of eyes eyes eyes
above me.
I don't know if I want to exist again.






firetiger

if i could just hold you like a firetiger
all in and out through this night
with my blinding flashes resounding and forcing
you down onto my deft heart
swaying your blessed following

if i could just take your backward hand under
me forcing us out
pretending followers
oh how i miss your tiny nothing while
i sit here patiently waiting for you to come
round again
darling charm

forcing you like vast circumference and kneeling
to look under that door jam and fluttering
impressive chattering twitter
break away from me

you're just laughing it off somewhere
having it out with a good,
healthy, toss of the wicker

and i am wishing it all away

it grows funny while i wait
saddens me while i wonder
just happy to please
this tiny tiny beat
just okay towards the suckling

and i hear you claiming goodbye
in painful drawn out tones
of ecstasy






Flushtreason

Frustration is a fuzzy bear
he walks around here weepin into a bottle of gin
and sad sacks his ass on my porchstep

And I listen to his birds singing,
their songs want to bleed
but just flap, flap flap, pitiful flap.






bliss affinity

My hapless little self drifting along the sharp
pavement floor
favorite shows on the TV every night
scraping you out
felt like I'd never finish.

Stale bliss flowers into fear.
If I saw you
If I trembled and sank and smiled and cried and
started to think again.
Disastrous to think of you.






untitled

so i have this little problem
i have this desire
i have this deep, pulsating, need

and i don't know how to go about this
how to make this all go away
make it stop creeping and nagging at me
like a suckling pup

to let me sleep and concentrate and work
how can i get this out of my hair
this yummy dream
this luscious tickling

everything is about it now
i can't stop it from happening
everything i do is in hopes of running into it,
a taste
or a full, satisfying, tug.

it embarrasses me sometimes without my consent
as if it were someone else in me
doing what i'm doing
because it sure isn't me
although i long for it

i try to get ahold of myself
walk as if it weren't as bad as all that
when in truth i just want to break down for it, 
plead even
it's cruel torture this need
but what's to be done
what's a self respecting person to do about it
when that depth of hollow opens itself up wide for it
waiting
as if it were a given
and when it doesn't come
i can feel myself reaching for it
stretching my full length to get at it
pitifully leaning, despite myself,
into each passing warmth
sometimes even flailing at it wildly
grasping at air
and moaning it out and whining

might as well try to writhe out this pain
sweat it out like a virus
because i can't take this scene again
the giggling blushes
and the terrible teases

might as well accept it as a loss
and feel thankful for it the next time it comes easy
like a magic present from heaven
ecstatic relief
trickling down my throat
effortlessly






everytime

everytime he comes round again
touches me
all in a warm ball inside me
finally

sometimes I walk around and think that I must be careful
because everytime he moves inside me
trips me up
turns away from me when I say hello

everyime I touch him it's been such a long time
excruciating
everytime he kisses me with his heart beating softly beneath his sweet lips
tenderly
breaking my heart

I'm getting used to it
expecting less
never surprised when I haven't talked to him
when he stops trying
when I feel his discomfort beneath my touch
shudder
fall

everytime I find him he runs away

everytime he runs away
my heart breaks again
all to pieces

and no one seems to understand it when I tell them about him
they say:
Brace yourself
don't give it away.

how can I make them understand
how long it's been since I touched him
and how it hurts to be alone
and miss him
how I said No because of everytime
I said No No No

but my lips hadn't been touched in such a long time
with such excruciating tenderness
so that there was nothing I could say
so that it hurt to speak at all
the ache choking me dry of words
nauseous from this intensity
overwhelmed in his arms
deep inside of his arms
where I want to be
breaking my heart






untitled

even though it's riddled with holes and dulled.
it doesn't matter
all that hurt

just a kiss from his mouth
his lips,
that pain will never be enough 
to stop me feeling, 
from wanting to feel
his mouth
his lips

after having felt this,
something like and eternity,
his whole warmth filling my arms
and blanketing me

just a kiss from his mouth
his lips
that pain will never be enough
to stop me feeling,
from wanting to feel
his mouth
his lips






crown of hate

As you stay away
you blank old man in dots
big round dots all about your shirt collar and cuffs.
And then you are here
and the day stretches a street for my fate
or on a steam engine full with speed 
passing or stopping to leave people behind 
or bring them together.
You've got a lot of friends trying to pronounce their heart's desires,
smiling a lot,
maybe bending over backwards to show you they are sincere.
You stop to rest, sitting down on a rock
and catching your breath,
and your hat falls from your head.
With soundless concentration you bend to retrieve it
and you smell the day accumulating 
into a great
fat
crown of hate.
Just a ripple of love and a twinkle of ripe cherries
coming together with the wind's push.







untitled

The dregs of frustrated intention giving my stomach and mind something to deal with, chewing on itself by the minutes, and then time constraints add some spice to this dull mixture as if I was engaging in serious aerobic movement. In strained progression the bits that clung fall away. This is refreshing and also a bit problematic, like a scab falling off or a sunburn peel the new skin is faintly raw and vulnerable in its purified state. Healing can be quite eye opening, exposing truths all along the way that hadn't been brought to issue yet. The reality of this life I'm in and what that will mean, the culmination of my choices and their affects.






untitled

A bad situation made worse by a situation which just keeps on culminating.





forgetting is the greatest thing

I feel as though all of that thing was a terrible injustice,
all of it mean
and negligent,
each stroke of your paw
flapping lip
ejaculation just cum.

didn't think I deserved to feel this indifference
this split
this forgetful rage.
It no longer says that I love you.

All the excess of shit that was glued all along the insides of every single word and action
every step I took
to get you off me
clean you out
scrape out the sores and the mess.

When I thought that I was strong.
When I thought that I was a saint.
When I was positive that I knew something about it
my sad little vigils
jealous hell nights with beer and death and smoking
and anything to try to be a movie
to try to be a poem.
It wasn't to make the pain go away
but to force it to climax
and resolve
fairy tale horror
I stopped caring about the happy ending.
I was whipping at the horses
speeding them straight into a wall
hurrying the impact.
But hell is eternal,
repetition,
cycles of regret
always an inch out of reach
always a fraction of a moment from heaven.








forget me not

Maybe forgetting isn't the greatest thing

all that love that came from heaven like sweet relief upon your tired lonely heart half broken from neglect

his touches, his words, his expressions
and your heart
the way it burst
the way you cried beneath him
because you couldn't believe these feelings.

You gave it no name
you held your thoughts and words back
desperately
until they came desperately
and you were throwing yourself upon it over and over
like a meditation of conjuring.

And everytime you see him 
he looks right through you
as if you weren't there
straight on through you
as if there were nothing to see
noone to behold
with a delicate ghost wind whispering underneath his gaze
absolutely vague
sprinkling here and there carelessly
daring you to remember
begging you to forget.

It takes so long to come back to it
after having forgotten
what it was like to touch him
after so long without someone to touch.

when you would cry all the time because it was so unfair
that it seemed to be everywhere 
dripping down from the trees
on every porch step
in every car 
and all over the TV
but you were so alone.

And you swore that if this happened
one kiss, one look
one time
you would give up something for it
just this once
filling your arms.

So now you're left dried up and tired 
from pumping out the sorrow in long strenuous strokes
because when he left you he didn't look back
he shattered your dreams with the spiked fist of his heart
and killed you.

God you lay shredded and beaten down hard.

Looking back there is only a faint memory of the pain
vague and pathetic
a slow dulling came afterwards
rounding off the sharp points
filing them down
so that their intensified edges wouldn't poke anymore holes
in this dull serene.

It echoes through you and softens all the understanding
so that the events became blurred
Such is this dull hum
this pet comfort within you now
cozied up inside like a womb
all safe and secure in this body home
where nothing is certain.

But slowly, you begin to remember something
you're not sure what
you remember a yearning
a yearning for something.

It makes you wonder
every now and again
about what happened back then to make you feel this
and what else you had lost along the way
having desperately dumped it overboard
cut the line
to set yourself adrift again

Maybe you cleared out all the clues that would answer these demons now
the construction of precious details that make up the where when and how
that would base all that in reality
maybe you had to snip them off
those tiny beautiful memories
to bear it
and go on.

You remember so little that it seems as though you must have made the rest up. 
all the rest that came before
to have made you come to this point of forgetting,
as if you had never loved him.

There is a demon to this sort of forgetting
a frustrating uncertainty
what was that story
was it love found and lost
or just something you wished for
that never quite got within your grasp

No love that finally came
after so long in wait all alone and falling to  pieces with the tired.
no tender lips gently pressed against yours
no sweetness unsurpassed and unexpected
no gently relief
no cruel trickery
or cold heartedness

such a sad and lonesome earth
such a sorrowful exclusion

who made a promise and fled
who stole you away upon a whispered bliss
heartless demon uncertainty

makes you think you just kept lying to yourself
like a deliberate hole in a diaphragm
all along at every turn of events
setting traps
not one thing true

did you invent this story
his feeling beneath his eyelashes
his deep longing sweetness
the revelation






flakes

Just because you walked in here and told me something that I was ready to hear,
played me up into a semi frenzy
and held me there with your mouth
as you moved in
rooting out that little gem of my indecision
and then walking away and laughing
with your hands thrust firmly into your pockets
to hide the stuff that you just snagged
when I was busy pushing myself in and out of you
and cleverly winking behind your back
thinking things were clearly in the bag now
clearly one on one and token.

This past destruction overlapping each other plainly
with stupid little gestures
that we don't even pretend to mean.
I am begging you to stop.
You are halving around muttering blankly and lying and placating
and not even trying to say that anything will come back this way 
anytime soon.

Big happiness and that song again
it becomes annoying and then one day without warning
we just have to hear it over and over
until we are sure that we will never be able to get it sunk deep enough within
to make it matter.
I try to make this song matter and turn up for me
like a wish on a die
each tossing back again
head over,
heels dug deep.
All this ridiculous waiting for nothing.
Waiting for something that I didn't even want before that last dumb night that I made happen with my own misdirected magical dusts.
Boys men children playing together and taunting,
this bastard gone bad again, fool for this
and your noggin full of definite things, 
what were you thinking?
what could you all have been thinking when you took my head in your grasp and faced me head up
your eyes under a microscopic detail destructing device
seeking out to destroy me in my decision.
MAKE THE DECISION you begged me.

You all sat up before me and screamed it.
So I jumped into it, 
went with all I could
and you bailed
last minute idiosyncratic bleck.
No more of this I say.

So I tiptoe by you next time
I whisper and barely look at you and hold back every breath and every miniscule desire
no matter how unnecessary or pointless
and I don't ask and I don't try
slowing to nothing and then finally seeming to be moving backwards
in this bottled mask
whispering into my own head until it becomes screaming throbbing inside
so that nothing will come out and grab at anything
to keep me free
free of all this upheaval that starts in spite of my flat defeat, my aversion to it
pouncing upon me with details invisible to naked effort
craziness leaping out as I try to stop up the leaks
little screams escaping from here and there, slow seeping desperation
a warrior attempt to hold me back
and I can't change it now.
As if it all were up to me and you were not even there anymore.
The point where I began to project this onto you
and you became something other than yourself something more than yourself
and a part of me stuck to you that I have to get back
so that I can go back to my indecision and my self absorbed peace.

Rounding the corner blind to the trappings holding me while my eyes were closed and your hands covered places that I didn't even want to believe that you had ever noticed.
A stasis hovering where a nothing comes over me,
perhaps it came over us both and you just handled it better.

And in this misty nowhere 
this stopped existence
I am thrilled and distracted
and the pieces fly off like detaching scales
iridescent scales fluttering between and covering the skin of this touch
in your damp hair
caught now, I notice that particular glint in your eye and that new glow in your skin
it becomes you
it attracts me and pleases me
I find it irresistible.

All of a sudden irresistible and necessary to get back to it
to visit the pieces of me that I have left all over you through the scaling of my flesh and presence
in the smallest intentions
the most unsuspecting and innocent of touches
that saliva with the bitter taste that made me think 
of other things
and then,
of you.
These footsteps towards you making me move without warning 
vulnerable in my ignorant gate.

I was full of myself and loving it until then
full of pride and self love and arrogance
immense and grand and magnificent to behold
I worshipped myself as my own perfect goddess and I was sure that you were doing the same
perhaps you were
blinded by the intense glow of my ego
attracted and repulsed by it
you issued the challenge
daring me to come over to your side and touch you.
and the I did and you shut up
shut it all up
drew it all back inside
stop action reversal
and the smoke flows back inside you with a magical rush
without missing a single wisp
and you're gone.

And I am standing here blinking after the lights have been flicked back on
all the lights blaring 
and me blinking myself awake to where I am now 
to look at myself
all my body, all of a sudden, 
there again
except for those imperceptible pieces
those tiny bits
that you have taken on now.

And I am not as steady or tall,
my glow is faded
my speech deadened from a biting wit
to a feeble attempt to utter an interesting word
all of a sudden I am making an effort
and you are taller
and seem to be just that much smarter
imperceptibly prettier
and I want you,
for the first time
I am desirous.



The soul is here for its own joy. 
                    -Rumi
  1. home
  2. life counseling
  3. art therapy
  4. professional organization
  5. health and nutrition
  6. jewelry shop
  7. film and video
  8. galleries
  9. resumes
  10. contact
  11. future vision
  12. updates and current events
  13.